so i started my day debating about whether or not to go to pilates…
i got the bus and a lady got on after me, all i could think was “should i give her my seat? what if it hurts to stand up or i fall? i bet shes thinking ‘fucking rude girl not standing up for me!?’ she doesnt know i have a bad leg and back… should i tell her?” all the way to town…
i got to town a hour and 15 minutes early so i went to the council to get a transfer request form… i looked at it and thought, “they wont move me, theres a lift, im not even that bad, i can walk, im lying, no one would swap with me to live in a tower block… i dont even want to live on ground floor… what if someone breaks in… people could look though my windows… they’d see how i live, how dirty i am!?” all before 10:30am
so i get to pilates, 45 minutes early and sit in the changing room playing solitare… lady comes in and, of course, shes skinny…. which, of course, i automatically hate her for… and to top it off, shes nice to me… now riddled with recentment, i smile and walk into the studio…
10 minutes go by, listening to pensioners bitching about everything and then with their next breath theyre playing ‘top trumps’ with their lives… i can see them looking at me, all high and mighty, toffee nosed grrr…
so the session starts and immediately im conscious of how i look, that my body doesnt move as well as the 60-70 year olds and i think, “fuck…. im fucked… if i cant do it now, whats another 45 years going to do to my body? i cant do that move… i have no balance… whats happened to me? whats happened to my body? i used to be skinny… i was always the skinny one…”
the instructor says for me to use a ball, only me… suppose to help with the moves? BING! “i cant see… tut … cough cough” i still cant fucking do the moves and now i have old ladies moaning about me too.
i cant get out of there fast enough… walking through town, past the college and i hate everyone i see… young happy care free people…
then i see an AA member and he say “you wana be careful about who you trust… and that lady you think youre friends with… well shes really unreliable… and you wana be careful about telling women youre story… they all bitch and tell each other…” so now im even more untrusting and isolated…. and thinking, “youre bitching yourself… all i hear you do is bitch about people and say how you hate bitching??? what the fuck???”
i walk away… i get to my appointment with my occupational theropist… she had a ‘Star Chart’ she’d like me to do… basically scoring all the aspects of my life out of 10… “WARNING WARNING - HEAD FUCK ALERT - THIS WILL NOT BE GOOD!?”
the categories are
- self asteem and identity
- budgeting and responsibility
- social networking
- addictive behaviour
- physical wellbeing
- mood and mental health
and 2 others which i cant remember right now…
so she says, “be as honest as you can - how do you feel?” and i cry…
since leaving hospital i have just put everything down to my drinking and using… im not mental, i was just high or drunk… and now im over 2 months clean and sober and my head is still telling me im shit, i still hate myself….
so after a hour or being honest and telling her how i have really been feeling… that im really low and having strong cravings to self harm and be destructive… she says, “ok amy, i’ll call you with youre next appointment.” and leaves me, crying….
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
seriously thought medical professionals were suppose to see a cry for help when its that obvious???
i walked to the bus stop…. wishing and praying to get beaten up or in some way physically hurt…. got home and found an elastic band … safest way i can self harm
im now in bed… just watched 28days… and i want to ‘use’, i want to escape… i want to forget the word…
am i an alcoholic? am i an addict? am i a slut? am i a fuck up?
right now and for a really long time… i wish i was never born… i dont want to try and kill myself because it never fucking works and the guilt and recentment after is fucking horrible…. i just wish i didnt have to do this anymore
does anyone truely understand me and my madness?